Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
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A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.