I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
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overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.