I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
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Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
me and my fake scenarios
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
From Facebook just now…
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)