In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
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“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
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volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
my professor scared me for a second
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.