Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
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Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime