Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
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My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.