I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
You Might Also Like
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
what my late-night hot pocket sees
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones