Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
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A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
me irl
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
How all things should be taught/explained.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)