I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
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So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.