Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
You Might Also Like
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
pictures of spider-man
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.