My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
You Might Also Like
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
The sacred texts.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell