Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
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[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
But I really needed water water water
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude