Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
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Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Bike is short for Bichael.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..