Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
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DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden