When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
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You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there