ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
You Might Also Like
I’m having an out of money experience.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
So that’s what we looked like?
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.