My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
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*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.