You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
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If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
adam and eve had first world problems
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
I need better friends
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.