medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
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people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.