hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
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Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Lol
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.