After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
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Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies