road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
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If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?