Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
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wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0