(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
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So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
me: my friends:
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.