If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
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King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.