So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
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THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.