My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
You Might Also Like
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.