Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
You Might Also Like
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.