*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
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Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?