I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
You Might Also Like
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Plant care tips
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
*names my little horse OneTrick*
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am