*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
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scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.