Buck naked
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[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I hope this email finds you in a well
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”