*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
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Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
what?
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
superterriblemorningexpialidocious