[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
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This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
This squirrel eats better than I do
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
doing your own taxes
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.