[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
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were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Not recommended for beginners.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions