I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
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Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Stop it! 😂
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing