there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
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My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
I’m crying im so happy for them
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
2022: I can fix it
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist