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Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.