MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
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Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Monica just destroyed the internet
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem