The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
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FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.