I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
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(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.