I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
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What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
how to exercise your calf muscles
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.