4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
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INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
when you are just born a rebel
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
how it started vs how it ended
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.