4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
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Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom