“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
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boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?