The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
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cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
when nothing goes right… go left
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???