Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
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I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.