For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
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Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.