JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
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How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.