{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
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I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw heâs falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, Iâve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Him: I donât think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
This can never not be funny đđ
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
the fbi, studying my kidnapperâs proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: âweâre out of mustardâ
âAnd on the 7th day he restedâ. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
I love you and all but Iâd push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, theyâre all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
â â â ââNot a bad book. Prose and cons.
I canât really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.